Anxiety, cheating and the desire to be thin

Today's blog is about the things that I have been fighting, it will hardly make sense but for me I had to get it out. I had to be held accountable, and this is the way I do it. I apologize if I ramble more than a teenager who is head over heels in love with someone.

I have been trying to figure out why this year is so much different than all the others. For years I have fought my way through the dieting downfall. Every year for so many years I said "THIS is my year!" How come this year when I said it was it different? Is it because the migraines from high blood pressure were just too much? Or is it that I was so ashamed to look myself in my mirror that is what did it?

I know this will sound bad, but as July approached this year, so did my 20 year high school reunion. As much as I personally wanted to go, I skipped it because of how big I was. I did not want to be the butt (no pun intended) of peoples jokes, and although we can all say "well, we are adults now we have risen above that" I can tell you honestly that I do not think everyone has outgrown childish behaviors from high school. And honestly with the cost being so high, I did have every reason to justify not going (six kids..one a senior who I swear we have had to pay out the nose for this year) So that was my outward reason, but inside I also knew it was the fear of the unknown.

Friday night, my husband and I went to Red Lobster. My plan was to cheat, to misbehave and to LIKE it. I failed..miserably. There was nothing on the menu that was worth the points for me to cheat. Instead I ate crab legs (4 points), 2 Lobster tails (2 points each), and Garlic Shrimp (5 points), and a potato (3 points) for a total of 16 points. I had well over 24 points for dinner and knew I had wiggle room (I have never used the extra 35 points WW gives you because I just have never had the desire to do it). So while yes, I did eat.. and WELL :o)~ I did not cheat. We even went somewhere good and healthy for dessert we went Skinny Dip yogurt bar. And it was wonderful and 2 points for dessert. We skipped out on Red Lobsters point laden desserts and went with something healthy.. lets face it I now suck at cheating, and I am pretty sure thats a good thing!

I know that the old joke is that every fat person has a skinny person fighting to get out.. We have all heard that phrase. But the truth is... in my opinion we all have that inner fat person who would rather eat their way happy because food is comfort. Whether we want to admit it or not. I know when I have a bad day I head straight to my buddies Ben and Jerry. No, its not the best choice and to be honest its actually worse than eating an entire bag of M&Ms in one sitting. Now, this past week my stress level was at the top of the summit. I ignored my desire to eat, and just behaved. It was the first time in my life that I did not find comfort in something bad for me. I wish I could explain why that meant so much to me, but the truth of the matter is even I do not know why its different this time. I wish I could say that I am a recovered foodaholic but the truth is, there is no such thing and not just because I made up the word but because I will always secretly desire to grab the bad for me food even though I know its a big mistake.

So there you have it, my confession. Its long, it hardly makes sense but someone out there has to get me right?