Approaching 100.

When I stepped on the scale this week, I realized that I am slowly approaching the 100 lbs mark. I am five lbs away from it. The anxiety filled and anxious side of me says "WOOOHOOO its coming!" The glass is half empty side of me says "well so what? you are still over 200 lbs!" The glass is half full says "but nearly six months into this diet, you have DONE it. You kept a New Years resolution!! You dropped from a snug size 32 all the way down to a loose 22, and THAT is something to be proud of!" So I guess, yea at this point I can say that.

I am still drinking water like a champion, I am still eating the right things, weighing things and counting things. I have not been as diligent at working out but even that is getting back on track. I have faced depression in the face, and while it has tackled me sometimes other days I just laugh in its face. You see, I am a emotionally fueled eater, if my emotions are in the toilet I eat like there is no tomorrow. I eat like I am starving to death, and I seriously can not help myself. The worst I have done since my ex husband has lost his job was attack some M&M's like fat good at a buffet. (ok it was like 30 of them.. but I know it could have been so much worse).

So as I approach this giant milestone, what do I do? At 50 lbs my husband bought me an ipod and I started to walk more. At 100 lbs, I plan to walk my first 5K, I plan to keep up with my eating changes, and I plan to keep on keeping on. I have finally figured out that I like getting up in the morning without feeling lethargic and sick because my high blood pressure pumped so hard all night. I like that I can walk through the grocery store without needing to sit down. I like that today I DOVE into the pool and got nearly half way across the deep end before I had to come up for air. Last year as soon as I dove I had to resurface, last year I honestly wondered how many lbs the life guard could lift if push came to shove.

Yup time's are changing, and I think i can finally say for the better.

Avoiding the arms of Mr Hershey...

Throughout my life, whenever things get stressful I would head to the cabinets to make it all better. The last time I was on this diet adventure, I found out my ex husband had an affair and sat down and ate an entire bag of Honey Mustard pretzels (a family size bag). I get stressed out and you can hear "May day! May day!!" As I am going out of control and losing it fast. My problem is not that I love food, my problem is that at the first sign of stress or worry I eat, and I eat like there is no tomorrow. My ex is unemployed (again) and with this latest trip to the unemployment line comes more stress (ugh!) .. and that's not all...

My husband has been doing this journey with me, but for all basic purposes he has hit his goal weight and he is done. He seems to have lately stopped measuring stuff at meals, eating regularly but still cautiously but he forgets sometimes that I am SO far from my goal and need the measuring. Without it, I am out of control. And while I do know that he is not responsible for weighing and measuring what I eat, his support before was awesome.

I have a bunch of stress in my life right now, thanks to that stress I open the cabinets and see my good choice snacks right next to the bad choices. While I know that grabbing the bad ones is wrong and stupid, there are moments when I am weak and I just want a moment to forget the issues. But I am opening up a whole new can of worms. I have felt myself getting lazier when it comes to working out. I am in a rut and I need some help, I need to pull myself back out of this and fast!

Suggestions are open and appreciated

Survival of the fittest

I am not fit. Let's face it, I am still pudgy and jiggly. But I am working on it, and that is still something I am proud of. That being said, have you ever been out walking and seen the really teeny tiny girls out running or exercising? And while you are out there with them, its hard to not watch them and think "oh yea I can do this" But then as they run away you notice there is no jiggle in their step. Damn.

I mean I hope when they strip at night they at least have cellulite or stretch marks. Because I am out here busting my tail......and I have stretch marks and my cellulite has cellulite. But get this part straight I am OUT there. And it makes me wonder if as I walk my extra few steps are these same ladies thinking "Well check her out" Let's hope so shall we? And if you are one of those skinny girls and are reading this... can you guys at least do us chunky girls a favor and find something to jiggle.. .that's all we ask.

A bucket list- the diet version

A very dear and wonderful friend of mine, (yes Susan I mean you) suggested this blog to me. And I could not help but decide that this week as things are well eh is a good time for this list. If you are unfamiliar with what a Bucket list is, I will explain. A bucket list is the things you want to do before you kick the bucket. For me, this list is more going to be a yearly bucket

To be completed by January 1, 2011...

1) I will walk a 5K (running is ambitious, walking is realistic)
2) I will lost 100 lbs (I am at 81 lbs if I don't lose 19 in the next 7 months I will be unhappy!)
3) I will buy something in a size XL not 2X or 3X
4) I will try new vegetables and not proclaim them yucky before I do.
5) I will push my comfort zone
6) I will work my way through the hungry girl cookbooks
7) I will NOT keep clothes that do not fit, I will pass them on.
8) I will put on a pair of shoes that can qualify as "hot"
9) Ok I will wear said shoes too.
10) I will continue on this path, avoiding the one of self destruction I was on
11) I will write thank you letters to those who have helped me along my way.

the fact is most of this list is easy, but others are not so easy. I am afraid to leave my comfort zone. I have long been convinced that the world is laughing at me, mostly because of my size. I am proud of what I have accomplished and determined to keep on chugging! Thanks to those who have been there, I appreciate you more than you will ever know!

Funny Friday :o)~

I need a laugh and some of these helped:

Ok I may have a warped sense of humor, but I hope someone besides me smiled from these. Have a great Friday. :o)~

Rationalizig the irrational.

I can admit (finally) that I am overweight because of years of body abuse. There truly is no other way to say it. Nobody forced me to eat the junk food, I did it because well quite honestly it tasted good and I liked it. The fact is, given the choice, most people will reach for the cupcake as opposed to reaching out for the granola. The fact is, we are what we eat and for a long time I was sugar and crap. (maybe thats what made me so sweet).

I used to wake up and start eating, my choices were never healthy. I was a junkfood and soda aholic, in the worst sense of the word. I used to drink 90+ ounces of Dr Pepper a day, I never drank water except when I had to. Now, I have not had a Dr Pepper since January 3rd, not even a sip! Ok that is a lie. I have had Diet Dr Pepper, because well its 0 calories and I can. But otherwise I drink water and iced tea (No not omg sweet tea.. iced tea)

I think of every meal item, every menu and every thing that will go in or near my mouth each day. Why? because if I don't I will eat everything. Today for instance breakfast consisted of frosted mini wheats, 1/2 cup of 2% milk. Lunch was Potatoes (leftover from dinner last night... baked 1 cup), with 1 TBSP of hummus mixed in (5 points). I will be eating a cup of grapefruit (2 pts) in a few minutes but as of right now I am good. I am not starving... I am not wishing for more food. I am content. Previously, this would not have happened. Previously, I would have been convinced I was starving and eat more. Not necessarily out of hunger but out of boredom. I eat when I am bored, if I keep busy.. I don't eat. Emily and I went outside a bit ago and walked around the block, not a long walk but it is 75 degrees and gorgeous, she sat and I pushed my little diva (complete with Shades).

These changes have saved my life, I my live to see my grandchildren. In January, that was severely something I questioned. I have lost 81 lbs, and while I still have at LEAST another 80 to go, I believe I can do it . I no longer rationalize that food is my friend, I know we can be friends we just have to do it on my terms.

Mother may I....

Surely growing up, everyone at one point or another played Mother may I. I have learned recently that dieting is nothing more than a game of Mother may I. For those of you (Who grew up under a rock or in a sheltered life) who are unfamiliar with Mother may I these are the rules "one person is the Mother" She gives suggestions such as "Mother says take two steps forward" to which you reply "mother may I?" And the answer "yes you may" if you fail to ask you have to go backwards.

In my world Weight Watchers has become Mother and I am pleading for steps forward. A typical day in our house:

"Mother, may I please eat hummus and melba toast for two points?"

"yes you may" Two steps forward.

"Can I have the Mr Goodbar that is taunting me in the cabinet"

"No you may not" One step backwards.

"Mother, may I please have 1/4 cup of chocolate chips for 1 point"

"Yes you may" Two steps forward.

"Can I skip the water and drink something else"

"Heavens no.. " one step backwards

"Mother may I workout on the Wii?"

"Yes you may!!" Two steps forward

May I curse at the trainer?

"No you may not" one step backward (Stupid discipline!)

And while I can make jokes about this, the fact of it is.. this time I have seen more steps forward. I hope that continues and I hope that I can continue to keep my feet going. I just have to remember to ask Mother if I may.